I love yous…

She never said I love you
Doubted she probably never would
I thought for years
It was only me
That the defect there was mine
I was, after all, the one who broke the crayons
Evil child
Inconvenient child
Unwanted
Detested
Different
Broken

Not quite smart enough
to know when I was sick
Not quite pretty enough
no not like the golden child
I was always
the one full of drama
the one
who never fit in
mistake
misunderstood
longing to matter
even just
half as much

His love
Was special love
Not told
No never
Always only shown
Special touches
Special hugs
Secrets never told
Humor covers
Insecure confusion
And still
Defective
Broken

Even now
with all I’ve left behind
all I miss
all of the fears
that fill my days
even now
Not quite
good enough
to be bothered with
i know
I get it
i see

Never told I love you
Never shown ever as good
never ever as good
— why can’t you be more like…
Never accepted as me
Never as good
Never enough
Never seen as me

Retrospect
I see
Why
Hugs matter
Why
I love yous matter
Why
Never could I judge
Why
you can be whoever you want to be
Why
I will, to my dying breath,
let you know
that I love you forever
I like you for always
and no matter what
either of you do
my babies you will always be

I love you.

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