The week went remarkably well
I only fell apart every other second
well, mostly
I deem it a success
and
now…
it is Saturday

fear chokes
the wind
puddles float
and where the hell is the dog
deer dance in the periphery
stupid squirrels
the music was wonderful
some I never heard before
the coffee, where the hell is the coffee
why are you waking me at three
fake sleep
snow, I hope it snows, I want it to snow, make it snow
why the hell don’t my socks match
where is the damn dog
I am not fast but I am strong
I’m not strong
I am terrified
I wish I could run
this close to four weeks out (five weeks out now) I can’t run
why does the dog have my coffee
two years (thirty two years), an eternity, a heartbeat
a heartbeat?  no, just the stupid cat purring
NO… don’t leave, I Promise I Won’t Move!!!
what if
what if
what if
what the hell is that smell
stupid cat, REALLY?  geeze
I hide beneath
the blankets
held together only with the screams that can not come
I choke on the fear
why does time pass so quickly
so slowly
so…
where the hell is my coffee
have to be strong
no way to be strong
tears hide, but are always there
can’t face the possibility
and when in God’s name will we have reality
Tie a knot, it’s a marathon not a sprint
why the hell were you riding that bike in the kitchen
no wait, a dream

And the cold insistent rain
covers it all
shines the street
and fogs reality

Author: April Wells
published January 9, 2016
my brain’s take on Chance Operations