pain

RA Flare

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Oh the full moon
this morning with the clouds
has a beautiful face

Where is the prednisone
why in the hell
did they put a childproof lid
on my freaking prednisone

Oh the coffee
smells heavenly
the creamy goodness is incredible

well hell
Broke another mug
shit I should have known it was too heavy
I guess it’s a plastic cup
kind of day

Oh thank you Kitty love
I love the way
your purrs make me smile

No don’t
not there
oh please
no no no
Sorry I scared you…
Didn’t mean to scream

Oh the peace of the morning
Sitting in the peaceful fog
windchimes sing

What, the oxy has childproof too
and even the dog’s tramadol
Someone get this knife
out of my shoulder
or get me a hammer
too much to do
got to get through

Attitude determines altitude
I can do this
I have to do this
I have to do this
I won’t puke
Find the center breathe
I think I can
I think I can

sigh

Beach Glass

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Remembered words bite
with the chill
of a raw May wind
off the lake
in the rain
sting
not the flesh
but the mind
and the soul

as the wash of the waves
the pull of the tides
smooth the edges
of the glass
awash on the beach
so time
and tide
have eased the pain
of the words
have smoothed away
the pain
and left behind
the soft glisten
as the sun kisses
all that remains

Broken

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Through the night
Of a thousand lies
That wrap your heart
In the midnight blue velvet
Of the hateful dress
Through the shattered places
Kicked into your soul
Shines the tiniest shimmer
Of the light
Blessed are the cracks
In the broken vessels
Of our lives
For through these cracks
Shine the undying glow
Of happiness, goodness and hope

Ragged pages

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Tear the pages from my mind
Wrench the ideas from my soul
The world is a colorless place
That sparkles in the gloom
See the teardrop drops
The feardrops
Feel the raindrops
know the cold of the pain drops
As the words that bite
Leave no mark on the skin
The plea for understanding
forever goes unheard
Take my pictures and my words
Leave only
The ragged tatters
Where the pages have been torn

Fallen Stars

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Where do the stars lie
When, tired they
Fall from the sky
Do they shatter
On contact and
Does it matter
I wonder if their pain
Like mine
Washes down the drain
Into the slime
the wet and dirty mud
Forgotten by time

My Hands

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My Hands
hold my children’s’ hands
when they are sick
when they are fearful
when they need to be comforted

My hands
write about
my condition
my children’s conditions
my ability to bring light and hope

My hands
crochet chemo hats
make brownies and cookies
send messages to friends
fighting their own fights with their own hands/heads/hearts
bring awareness to RA

My hands
are proud hands
not ashamed
of lumps and bumps
or even of the twists and turns that don’t yet exist
and not afraid to be held up to be seen
to be shaken (gently please)
to be held

Unseen

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My eyes
they shine
don’t see
pain in mine
though
tear tracks dry
how can you know
the pain my eyes
continue to see
when I let down my guard
and let them close

Slender wrists
long fingers peek
from White lace sleeves
don’t see
the row
after row
of neat white
parallel lines
where
the pain
oozed out
red and hot

Slinky dress
rides on curves
that aren’t really there
don’t see
the days
that pass
where food
won’t touch
my presence
for fear of loosing
myself

I walk
tall and straight
don’t see
that I won’t meet
your eyes
my smile
stiff and painted
never reaches
my eyes
my heart
confidence
a front
to hide
the voices
in my brain
telling me how
unworthy

See me
please don’t really
totally see me
don’t see
the pain
fear
lonliness
longing
heart ache
that sufficiency
and security
and …

Fear and pain
keep me hiding
behind the painted world
I show
most of the world
because
if I show you
the me that I am
I am afraid
that you will
toss me out
with the preceptions
and I will be
left
standing
alone

I long
to reach out
to trust
to know
the ease of
just one
friend who
will see

4 am

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4 am
The dog needs to pee
Me too
Migraine meets me in the mirror
Visions of
8 hour Emergency rooms
5 hour admitting rooms
And bags after bag of
Charcoal water vomit
Chase through my brain
Helpless, hopeless, pain racks my brain
Yesterday a warrior
Fighting the world’s injustices
Today mild mannered
— okay not really
Little old me
Fighting to get through my today

Invisiblity

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I hurt
and I know
that I am invisible
in my visibility
I fly banners
for many different causes
for friends
for family
for others’ pain
and
I look
at my aches
as I force through the day
and will
the pain
to hide